And introducing...

If any of you watch the Catherine Tate Show on BBC2, you'll know about the couple who kill themselves laughing over mundane stories. Dinner with Dave felt a bit like that last night. I did try to find his story about how a power cut caused by an overfilled kettle meant he didn't get a cup of tea until eleven amusing, I really did. Essentially, I'm bored. The fatal blow to any potential relationship came when he said he doesn't read much. Soundeth the knell of doom.

Texted this to Jamie (GBF and fellow bibliophile), who asked a) why I hadn't slept with him (Dave, not Jamie - let's not get into that), and b) why was I dating him if I didn't want to sleep with him. It's all so very simple in Jamie's mind: if it likes you, shag it. That's a bit harsh, actually - he really has quite housewifely ambitions. Jamie concluded that I have man issues and am basically an emotional fuckwit. Not sure I entirely disagree. He did agree that not reading was a profound sin, however.

I hadn't told the Coven about Dave, quite wisely as it turns out. The Coven consists of four members. It used to be five, until F moved to the US to marry a millionaire and have babies. Having met at school, we've never really left the area for more than a term, and we all work relatively near to where we lived as kids, so the Coven's remained the same since we left full time education. The other three members are D, H and S.

D is going back to university this year, having spent the year temping. She's the only one with a proper boyfriend and has absolutely no idea what she wants to do with her life, other than it involving writing in some way. The master's she's planning on doing isn't exactly vocational. D dresses a bit like a cross between a Parisian school girl and Cher in Clueless. I've known D since we were 10 at Guides - present buying has become very difficult.

H is a wannabe nympho. However, being Muslim, she's in line for an arranged marriage when her mother finally finds her a man she actually likes and who can pay for her designer handbag habit. H is in the doghouse with me at the moment for blurting the existence of Dave out to the other two and D's boyfriend in Cafe Rouge. She has a thing for goalkeepers and Irishmen.

S is waiting (in Jane Austen mode) for her older sister to get married so that she can tell her parents she's found a lovely boy. Said lovely boy is eminently suitable; he's religious, reliable and Tamil. Perfectly acceptable... in theory. S is obsessed with marriage and small children. Her arm has to be clamped to her side to prevent her from waving at tinies in the park. S is the only one of us qualified to drive.

So that's the Coven. H got very excited about Dave when I first told her (had to tell someone), but then she's desperate to go to someone's wedding. Doesn't matter whose it is. We spent a couple of hours drinking coffee and scaring D's boy. They also think I'm too fussy. So the world is unanimous.

Conclusion: no man is worthy. Must advance the space programme to investigate compatible life on other planets.